Ah yes, the start of a new year as well as the continuation of my completely depressing and solemn solitude. Don't be fooled by my title, I don't enjoy my loneliness, especially since having first gotten to know a girl three years ago. I really can't stomach the thought of telling the whole spiel, not that you (whoever you are) really could care less about this sob story that millions of other poor saps find themselves describing on sites such as this. But anyways, this is all for me-the thought that I might have an audience who would lend an ear (or an eye).
It all just seems, and has seemed too confusing. Let me at least lay out the foundation for why I came to caring so much for this girl, which for all intensive purposes I will just call Ann. When I first came to know Anne she was known as a "good girl", going to church every sunday, singing with the choir, god she could sing, didn't party much, didn't smoke, virgin, clean, caring, compassionate, loving, and absolutley beautiful, gorgeous. She wasn't really concerned with fitting in or being seen. After a good friend of mine got in a wreck and became paralyzed, Ann and I began talking. She eventually told me that she had liked my friend for quite some time, and upon hearing this I knew I just had to see if something could work. So after my friend finished with months of intensive surgeries, therapy and trying to readapt to life, I started seeing if he was interested. Sure enough he was, and it was one night in late September-early October at a bon fire that I coaxed him into gaining enough confidence to ask her out. The next day Ann told me she had said yes. They dated for a couple of months, then things grew sour (I am condensing this, b/c I really don't feel like extracting all the minor details and what not) and eventually they broke up. I remained good friends with Ann and found myself hangining out with her more and more.
The rest is what any person not short a few fuses could infer as falling for a girl. I began to like her, but told myself that I hadn't. Even in opposition of my friends and those around me who swore we were a couple and/or that I liked her, I found it weird at first. But sure enough, as I eventually came to realize, I had grown to love this girl. "But you had never loved anyone in that way", someone might say. Yea, your right. I hadn't and still have not. But I'll tell you how I came to the conclusion that I loved Ann. I knew love had been a very deep and moving emotion throughout human existence. I had heard a variety of stories about it from classic Shakespeare to modern day Nicholas Sparks. And what I came to realize was before having spent so much time with Ann, I didn't have the strong, deep emotion in the pit of my stomach as I did then. She was the only thing (person) I could accredit such a change in me; I loved her.
The rest is but a breeze but I'll make it seem as though. I eventually told Ann about my feelings, how I didn't feel they were right (since she had dated my friend), we fell in and out, mostly b/c of my own doing-my nature to be alright one moment with being close friends with her and the next being miserable to not be more than that. We graduated, went to college together, then transferred to the same college we now attend. In the past three years, she has admitted having still liked my friend. She never got over him, and to this day she hasn't. I have actually heard there is a revival of a relationship in the works between them.
But my problem is, and never has been that Ann wasn't mine, or that I wasn't hers. It was what she was doing to herself. Every since she broke up with my friend she has been on a gradual down spiral. Partying more often, a lot now, smoking-destroying her voice, having no regard for intimate relationships but the fact that she might be able to push off the heartache and pain of the past once more, and her obsessive manner for considering how people view her. She, like all of us, desires happiness. She is just going about it in all the wrong ways. I do hope, sincerely, that if Ann and my friend do get back together, that she will truly be happy, and no longer falsely search out happiness in partying, smoking, drinking, etc.
With that though, I want to say, no, I want to declare, a toast, a horrible, painful existence for a life, to the absence of love for right now. Anymore, I genuinely consider the entire idea of love to be nothing more than propaganda. I used to think, believe, that love was necessary for you and me to truly exist, to survive. I think it is in the practical sense that we should care for everyone and try to be "loving" towards everyone. But to say that we all have that one special someone out there who will complete us...I'm just not sure about that anymore. I mean people throughout history have gotten through life romanceless, loveless. Sure, perhaps painful, perhaps unhappy, and perhaps in that, my stubborness clearly shows through in hopes of simply spiting the idea of love for the time being.
But here I am going to conclude, I am going to gulp down my seemingly hopeless and lonely existence of metaphorical champaign that deceptively resembles an emo reaching out although I ensure you I am nothing of the kind (and by the way, those kids get bad raps, give em a break). I am going to say to "Ann" this, "Ann, when you feel like you can be who you t r u l y are as a person, and be comfortable with that and aim for your true happiness let me know, perhaps then we can resume our friendship. But for now, I just can't stomach the person you have become. As mean as that may sound, it hurts me more to say that than it will you, trust me. It is really hard to tell yourself that someone you cared and loved turned into someone that you couldn't any longer. I have tried to be there for you...but you never seemed to take anything I said to heart, and I don't mean any talk we had about "us"-this is strictly you I am speaking of.
For now, I am going to focus on life. Yea, truly. I am going to try and continue to befriend people by helping them help me. We are all in t h i s together. That is what I aim to commit to as of right now. Thank you for reading this regardless if you pointed out my grammatical errors or my desperate and pathetic attempt at just another love story gone bad for a young adolescent. Regardless, thank you. I hope to return the favor.
K M S
No comments:
Post a Comment